a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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