I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My vagina just clenched in fear
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
