Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
wanna go halves on a baby?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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