If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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