I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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