Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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