Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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