i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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