After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
