I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
two words: eviction party
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
