I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
