My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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