Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
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No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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