You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
