my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
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Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
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I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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