dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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