the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
