conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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