I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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