My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
