No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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