I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
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I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
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I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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