god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
don't judge my taste in strippers
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
