I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Last time i carry you out of a forest
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
