i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
