In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
