Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
