i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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