i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
