i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
