No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
