Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
