Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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