Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
