i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
