Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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