I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
