Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
She bit a glass in half.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
