before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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