Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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