i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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