____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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