So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
