i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
