it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
