oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
