If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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