Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
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