She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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