i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just found a bag of teeth...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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