Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
