I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
