seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
