Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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