He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
