I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize