You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
