while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
