im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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