those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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