Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
vagina is talking i cant
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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