remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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