i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
