There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
